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“Where Are the Arms for Manon Uphoff?”

Posted on August 24, 2024 by admin

This article is based on this Dutch article of Martijn Benders

What preceded: A misplaced neocon in the Literature Fund pontificates that the Jewish refugee Adorno had no right to criticize America since he should have been grateful for being able to flee.

The Grateful Refugee is, of course, an archetypal right-wing theme. First, you flatten their cities with your cynical war games, and then the refugee must express gratitude and, preferably, get lost as soon as possible. Or better yet, accommodate them in the region.

But in the same spirit, you could argue that Jesus Christ should have shown gratitude on the cross. Why the long face? At least you were allowed to hang here, right?

And since we are already engaged in sacrilege, let’s rearrange the palette of the old masters. If Jesus, instead of the traditional pale canvas, had a more bronzed complexion, how would the devotion of the white crowd hold up? Would their reverence ripple like a pond into which a stone has been thrown, their faces twisted into a grimace of cultural dissonance?

Let us conduct a thorough examination of the crucifixion to see what exactly was going on. We begin with this magnificent painting by Garafano, whose real name was Benvenuto Tisi. Allegedly a devout Christian, but since the Church was pretty much the sole financier for artists at the time (along with banking), the motive to be Christian is somewhat forcefully present. So let’s look at the work: do we see anything that didn’t fit the public image?

What stands out when we analyze this painting?

Why would Jesus place his hand in such a way on a chopped-down tree, as if he wants to bless the tree? Not just a tree, there are also two mushroom-like growths at the tree’s base. Saint Veronica is holding a cloth on which Jesus’ face has left a spore print. What exactly is the Lord Jesus trying to tell us here? He is in the midst of a heavy crusade but apparently deemed it necessary to pause by this chopped-down tree (to leave a spore print?). Again, we see the dominant colors red and white. It’s a remarkable little tableau.

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Category: Psychosupersum

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Castles Get Kicked in the Bricks each Summer

Let’s face it: some backpacks just carry your stuff. This one tells your entire life philosophy in one ridiculous, multilingual joke. Imagine strolling into a museum, a bus stop, or your ex's new wedding—with a bag that declares, in ten languages, that castles are always the losers of summer.

Why? Because deep down, you know:

  • Tourists always win.
  • History has a sense of humor.
  • And you, my friend, are not carrying your lunch in just any nylon sack—you’re carrying it in a medieval meltdown on your shoulders.

This backpack says:

  • “I’ve been to four castles, hated three, and got kicked out of one for asking where the dragons were.”
  • “I appreciate heritage sites, but I also think they could use a bit more slapstick.”
  • “I’m cute, I’m moopish, and I will absolutely picnic on your parapet.”

It’s absurd.
It’s philosophical.
It holds snacks.

In short, it’s not just a backpack—it’s a mobile monument to glorious collapse.

And honestly? That’s what summer’s all about.

Philosophy thirts

Feeling surveilled? Alienated by modernity? Accidentally started explaining biopolitics at brunch again? Then it’s time to proudly declare your loyalties (and your exhaustion) with our iconic “I’m with Fuckold” shirt.

This tee is for those who’ve:

  • Said “power is everywhere” in a non-BDSM context.
  • Tried to explain Discipline and Punish to their cat.
  • Secretly suspect the panopticon is just their neighbour with binoculars.

Wearing this shirt is a cry of love, rebellion, and post-structural despair. It says:
“Yes, I’ve read Foucault. No, I will not be okay.”

Stay tuned for more philosophical shirts and backpacks, as we at Benders are working on an entire collection that will make even the ghost of Hegel raise an eyebrow.

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